1
00:00:01,469 --> 00:00:04,743
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,810 --> 00:00:07,682
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,749 --> 00:00:11,256
♪ But where are those
good old‐fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,322 --> 00:00:14,262
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,328 --> 00:00:17,769
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,836 --> 00:00:21,376
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,442 --> 00:00:23,113
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,179 --> 00:00:24,716
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,783 --> 00:00:30,294
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:36,139 --> 00:00:39,078
(alarm beeping)
11
00:00:39,145 --> 00:00:40,515
(alarm off)
12
00:00:42,084 --> 00:00:43,654
(yawns)
13
00:00:46,492 --> 00:00:48,229
(blows raspberry)
14
00:00:48,296 --> 00:00:50,267
Alexa, what's in the news
this morning?
15
00:00:50,334 --> 00:00:51,937
ALEXA:
Here is your morning briefing.
16
00:00:52,004 --> 00:00:54,543
In Washington, D. C.,
Congress has passed a measure..
17
00:00:54,610 --> 00:00:57,348
Alexa, skip to
celebrity birthdays.
18
00:00:57,414 --> 00:01:00,287
Mario Lopez is
47 years old today.
19
00:01:00,354 --> 00:01:03,293
No way!
Someone should tell his face.
20
00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:04,930
I know, right?
21
00:01:04,997 --> 00:01:06,533
(chuckles):
Seriously!
22
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,138
Okay, see you later, Alexa.
23
00:01:09,205 --> 00:01:11,342
You're my best friend.
24
00:01:11,409 --> 00:01:14,148
And you're...
you're awesome, Lois.
25
00:01:14,215 --> 00:01:16,352
Best friends.
26
00:01:16,419 --> 00:01:20,160
MEG (calling out):
Hey, Mom, my period started on the couch.
27
00:01:20,227 --> 00:01:21,462
(takes deep breath)
28
00:01:22,565 --> 00:01:24,836
You wanted to have a family,
you wanted this life.
29
00:01:24,903 --> 00:01:27,575
My shoes are on the roof.
Get 'em.
30
00:01:27,642 --> 00:01:30,047
(children's song playing on TV)
31
00:01:30,113 --> 00:01:32,628
- ♪ The driver on the bus peeks
to check his phone ♪ - Come on, move your arm up.
32
00:01:32,652 --> 00:01:34,388
- Up. Close your hand.
- ♪ Check his phone ♪
33
00:01:34,455 --> 00:01:36,927
- Okay, push it through. Good.
- ♪ Check his phone ♪
34
00:01:36,994 --> 00:01:39,141
- Just let me do it.
- ♪ The driver on the bus peeks to check his phone ♪
35
00:01:39,165 --> 00:01:41,205
- Other arm. Almost done.
- ♪ Whoops, he hit a dog ♪
36
00:01:41,269 --> 00:01:43,941
Move your thumb.
Move your thumb. Push.
37
00:01:44,008 --> 00:01:45,878
- There. Done.
- ♪ The driver on the bus ♪
38
00:01:45,945 --> 00:01:47,615
♪ Says, "Shut up, shut up,
shut up ♪
39
00:01:47,682 --> 00:01:51,155
♪ Let me think for a second." ♪
40
00:01:51,222 --> 00:01:52,826
(Lois straining)
41
00:01:52,892 --> 00:01:54,428
Why did you do this?
42
00:01:54,495 --> 00:01:56,499
If they didn't want us
to put our foot down there,
43
00:01:56,567 --> 00:01:59,506
they shouldn't make it
a perfect fit for a toilet shoe.
44
00:01:59,573 --> 00:02:01,777
- Who's "they"?
- Uh, Big Toilet?
45
00:02:01,844 --> 00:02:03,981
"Big Toilet"?
Is that a thing?
46
00:02:04,048 --> 00:02:05,718
Shh!
47
00:02:05,785 --> 00:02:07,430
MAN: Welcome back to
the Stuff You Should Just Spend
48
00:02:07,454 --> 00:02:09,125
the Money On podcast.
49
00:02:09,191 --> 00:02:11,964
Today's episode: "Expressing
Your Dog's Anal Glands."
50
00:02:12,030 --> 00:02:14,870
MAN 2: Yeah, you really don't
want to DIY on the anal glands.
51
00:02:14,936 --> 00:02:16,874
Just spend the money.
It can't cost more than,
52
00:02:16,940 --> 00:02:18,878
- I don't know, 30 bucks.
- (Brian grunts)
53
00:02:18,944 --> 00:02:20,882
- MAN: $30 is three months
of Netflix. - (grunts)
54
00:02:20,948 --> 00:02:22,886
MAN 2: So don't watch
The Crown for three months.
55
00:02:22,952 --> 00:02:24,992
- I like The Crown.
- MAN: What if I like The Crown?
56
00:02:25,056 --> 00:02:27,176
- MAN 2: Watch it all
in one weekend. - (both grunting)
57
00:02:27,227 --> 00:02:29,365
If you don't finish
a Netflix series in a weekend,
58
00:02:29,431 --> 00:02:31,369
- that's on you.
- Lois, can we just...
59
00:02:31,435 --> 00:02:33,039
can we just kiss a little first?
60
00:02:33,106 --> 00:02:34,876
You know what?
I think it's actually starting
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00:02:34,943 --> 00:02:36,880
to clear up on its own.
♪ Whoa, Black Betty ♪
62
00:02:36,947 --> 00:02:38,517
♪ Bam‐a‐lam, hey, Black Betty ♪
63
00:02:38,584 --> 00:02:39,853
♪ Bam‐a‐lam! ♪
64
00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:42,257
♪
65
00:02:45,698 --> 00:02:48,002
‐(horn honks) ‐(Lois honks back)
66
00:02:48,069 --> 00:02:51,577
Take a bite out of my ass,
you sack of dirt!
67
00:02:54,281 --> 00:02:56,285
(mellow music playing)
68
00:02:56,352 --> 00:02:57,555
(inhales deeply)
69
00:02:57,622 --> 00:03:00,460
Ah... you made it.
70
00:03:01,663 --> 00:03:04,368
Morning, Kyle, Lisa, Kyle H.
71
00:03:04,435 --> 00:03:05,738
Morning, Lois.
72
00:03:05,805 --> 00:03:07,542
What'll it be this morning?
The usual?
73
00:03:07,609 --> 00:03:09,613
Ah, you know it.
And with the morning I had,
74
00:03:09,679 --> 00:03:11,249
better make it a large.
75
00:03:11,315 --> 00:03:13,621
So the usual.
76
00:03:13,687 --> 00:03:15,958
How are the muffins
this morning, Lisa?
77
00:03:16,025 --> 00:03:18,664
Oh, not the banana nut, 'cause
I know you're allergic to nuts.
78
00:03:18,731 --> 00:03:20,668
(chuckles): That's right, I am.
Good memory.
79
00:03:20,735 --> 00:03:22,538
Well, it's what makes you
so unique.
80
00:03:22,605 --> 00:03:24,074
MAN:
Hurry up!
81
00:03:24,141 --> 00:03:25,988
You know, I always thought
that peanut allergies
82
00:03:26,012 --> 00:03:28,149
just went away
when you became an adult.
83
00:03:28,216 --> 00:03:29,418
You know, like tonsils.
84
00:03:29,485 --> 00:03:30,688
Tonsils go away, right?
85
00:03:30,755 --> 00:03:32,291
I thought I read that.
86
00:03:32,357 --> 00:03:33,426
What are tonsils?
87
00:03:33,493 --> 00:03:35,397
Anyway, let me put in my card.
88
00:03:35,463 --> 00:03:37,134
I got one with a chip on it.
89
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:39,839
It's like we're living
in the Star Wars.
90
00:03:39,906 --> 00:03:41,342
Okay, tip.
91
00:03:41,409 --> 00:03:42,645
I'll do cash.
92
00:03:42,712 --> 00:03:44,081
Good, you heard me.
93
00:03:44,148 --> 00:03:46,419
"Would you like to donate
a cup of coffee
94
00:03:46,485 --> 00:03:48,089
to a soldier overseas?"
95
00:03:48,156 --> 00:03:51,095
Yeah, that seems like
a good cause.
96
00:03:51,162 --> 00:03:53,299
MAN: Hey. Here's your
free cup of coffee
97
00:03:53,366 --> 00:03:55,671
- from a lady in Rhode Island.
- What?
98
00:04:01,750 --> 00:04:02,885
♪
99
00:04:21,757 --> 00:04:24,428
Excuse me. Are you in line
for the bathroom?
100
00:04:24,495 --> 00:04:26,165
- No.
- Oh.
101
00:04:26,232 --> 00:04:27,635
Then move!
102
00:04:27,702 --> 00:04:30,708
- (rattles doorknob)
- Give me the key!
103
00:04:33,547 --> 00:04:36,218
So, how was everybody's day?
104
00:04:36,285 --> 00:04:38,657
- I made the football team...
- Congratulations.
105
00:04:38,724 --> 00:04:41,530
...throw up because I put
cleaner in the Gatorade.
106
00:04:41,596 --> 00:04:42,865
Still pretty good.
107
00:04:43,967 --> 00:04:46,338
You know, the funniest thing
happened to me today.
108
00:04:46,405 --> 00:04:48,142
I go to this coffee shop
every morning,
109
00:04:48,209 --> 00:04:50,346
and they do this fun thing
where every week
110
00:04:50,413 --> 00:04:52,150
they choose
a Customer of the Week.
111
00:04:52,217 --> 00:04:54,589
It's just a silly thing,
which is why it's so fun.
112
00:04:54,656 --> 00:04:56,660
Anyway, I've never been picked.
113
00:04:56,726 --> 00:04:58,564
Which is fine.
114
00:04:58,630 --> 00:05:00,266
The thing is...
115
00:05:00,333 --> 00:05:01,333
Oh, boy.
116
00:05:01,368 --> 00:05:03,072
...I'm friendly, I always tip,
117
00:05:03,139 --> 00:05:06,445
I almost never say anything
when foreigners loudly FaceTime,
118
00:05:06,513 --> 00:05:09,384
and in general,
I'm a pretty good person.
119
00:05:09,451 --> 00:05:10,688
Right?
120
00:05:10,754 --> 00:05:12,625
Yeah. I mean,
you show little patience
121
00:05:12,692 --> 00:05:15,598
for the handicapped at times,
but... yeah.
122
00:05:15,664 --> 00:05:17,334
Yeah, it just,
it just feels like
123
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,037
it should probably be my time.
124
00:05:19,104 --> 00:05:20,641
Well, maybe this'll be
your week.
125
00:05:20,708 --> 00:05:21,943
Oh, you think so?
126
00:05:22,010 --> 00:05:23,446
I don't know.
That‐that felt like
127
00:05:23,514 --> 00:05:24,825
the right thing to say,
so I said it.
128
00:05:24,849 --> 00:05:26,352
I do impulsive things.
129
00:05:26,418 --> 00:05:29,224
That's how I ended up getting
Rod Stewart's hair.
130
00:05:29,291 --> 00:05:30,628
Morning, luv.
131
00:05:30,694 --> 00:05:33,332
Mind if I sing a tune
into your vagina?
132
00:05:33,399 --> 00:05:36,573
♪
133
00:05:37,675 --> 00:05:40,313
Everybody,
if we could have your attention,
134
00:05:40,380 --> 00:05:43,687
we'd like to announce this
week's Customer of the Week.
135
00:05:43,754 --> 00:05:45,824
Ah. I've never seen them
do it live. (chuckles)
136
00:05:45,891 --> 00:05:48,897
This must be what it feels like
to see Bruce.
137
00:05:50,133 --> 00:05:53,840
This week's
Customer of the Week is...
138
00:05:53,907 --> 00:05:55,544
Lester!
139
00:05:57,013 --> 00:05:59,017
♪
140
00:06:06,933 --> 00:06:09,471
(sobbing)
141
00:06:11,710 --> 00:06:13,814
(sobbing loudly)
142
00:06:19,491 --> 00:06:21,630
Hey, Bon,
Wednesday Wisdom's live!
143
00:06:21,696 --> 00:06:23,499
- Is it good?
- No.
144
00:06:23,567 --> 00:06:24,969
It's great!
145
00:06:31,181 --> 00:06:33,319
You know what I think
the problem is, Stewie?
146
00:06:33,386 --> 00:06:34,756
I need to show them
147
00:06:34,822 --> 00:06:36,593
that I deserve to be
Customer of the Week.
148
00:06:36,660 --> 00:06:38,740
- You don't.
- Well, they probably see a woman like me and think,
149
00:06:38,764 --> 00:06:40,668
- "She's got it all."
- They don't.
150
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,672
I know it's
a silly little award,
151
00:06:42,738 --> 00:06:44,676
- but I don't ask for much.
- You do.
152
00:06:44,742 --> 00:06:46,078
And this is the one place,
153
00:06:46,145 --> 00:06:48,049
the one place
that makes me feel happy.
154
00:06:48,115 --> 00:06:50,453
- You aren't.
- I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.
155
00:06:50,521 --> 00:06:52,892
I‐I feel like I really vibe
with everyone there.
156
00:06:52,958 --> 00:06:54,896
- You don't.
- I'm one of their best customers.
157
00:06:54,962 --> 00:06:56,700
You know,
if I stopped showing up,
158
00:06:56,766 --> 00:06:58,169
they'd probably wonder
where I went.
159
00:06:58,235 --> 00:07:00,373
- They wouldn't.
- Because I'm a nice person.
160
00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:01,710
- You're not.
- I tip in cash.
161
00:07:01,776 --> 00:07:03,613
- So?
- And I can't think of one reason
162
00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:05,517
- why they wouldn't pick me.
- I can.
163
00:07:05,584 --> 00:07:06,864
Oh, thanks for listening,
Stewie.
164
00:07:07,822 --> 00:07:09,100
- I had no choice.
- You know, I'm gonna show them
165
00:07:09,124 --> 00:07:10,728
that I deserve to win
this award.
166
00:07:10,794 --> 00:07:12,732
I need this‐‐ just like I needed
167
00:07:12,798 --> 00:07:15,571
my own Gregor
"The Mountain" Clegane.
168
00:07:15,637 --> 00:07:17,273
- Next.
- Hi, Gil.
169
00:07:17,340 --> 00:07:18,340
Uh, can I get...
170
00:07:18,944 --> 00:07:20,184
Pound of honey ham.
Cut it thin.
171
00:07:20,213 --> 00:07:21,783
Oh, excuse me,
I believe I was next.
172
00:07:21,850 --> 00:07:23,954
Step aside, lady.
173
00:07:28,462 --> 00:07:29,799
Yeah, hi, Gil.
174
00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:32,404
Can I try a piece
of the pepper turkey?
175
00:07:32,470 --> 00:07:34,675
♪
176
00:07:37,581 --> 00:07:39,217
Here you go.
Anything else today?
177
00:07:39,284 --> 00:07:41,155
Yeah, the coffee,
and you know what?
178
00:07:41,221 --> 00:07:43,794
I'll take that piece of artwork
for sale on the wall.
179
00:07:43,860 --> 00:07:45,798
Really? That's my painting.
180
00:07:45,864 --> 00:07:47,535
Wha...? Is it?
181
00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:49,605
You are very talented.
182
00:07:49,672 --> 00:07:51,810
Well, how much do I owe you?
183
00:07:51,876 --> 00:07:55,450
- $600.
- (chokes) $600?
184
00:07:55,517 --> 00:07:56,619
Do you still want it?
185
00:07:56,686 --> 00:07:57,621
Of course.
186
00:07:57,688 --> 00:07:59,024
(quiet grunt)
187
00:07:59,090 --> 00:08:00,727
It's important to support
local artists
188
00:08:00,794 --> 00:08:02,665
by spending
a year's worth of co‐pays
189
00:08:02,731 --> 00:08:04,635
on a painting of a...
(chokes, belches)
190
00:08:04,702 --> 00:08:05,971
(pounding counter)
191
00:08:06,038 --> 00:08:06,873
...bridge.
192
00:08:06,940 --> 00:08:08,777
A ladder and an apple.
193
00:08:08,844 --> 00:08:11,649
A ladder and an apple!
What a theme!
194
00:08:11,716 --> 00:08:13,486
Can you split it
on two debit cards?
195
00:08:13,553 --> 00:08:16,526
- I have a limit.
- I can't really ring it up on the register.
196
00:08:16,593 --> 00:08:18,763
- It has to be cash.
- (chokes)
197
00:08:19,932 --> 00:08:21,401
Perfect!
198
00:08:21,468 --> 00:08:23,673
♪
199
00:08:27,213 --> 00:08:29,150
- By the way, I told you.
- Told me what?
200
00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:31,154
I told you nobody
could tell I was drinking.
201
00:08:31,221 --> 00:08:34,094
- No one cares.
- I care. I do.
202
00:08:35,329 --> 00:08:38,302
Here, take this. Start recording
right before they say my name.
203
00:08:38,369 --> 00:08:40,406
And hold it landscape,
not portrait.
204
00:08:40,473 --> 00:08:42,754
This is an important moment,
not a fast‐food worker fight.
205
00:08:42,778 --> 00:08:45,216
(quietly):
I wish it was a fast‐food worker fight.
206
00:08:45,283 --> 00:08:48,757
- What?
- (loudly): I wish it was a fast‐food worker fight.
207
00:08:48,823 --> 00:08:50,192
Welcome, everybody.
208
00:08:50,259 --> 00:08:53,198
This week's
Customer of the Week is...
209
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:56,673
...Terry Newcustomer.
210
00:08:58,375 --> 00:09:02,585
Wow, this is so unexpected,
because I'm such a new customer.
211
00:09:02,651 --> 00:09:03,887
Lois, should I stop recording?
212
00:09:03,954 --> 00:09:05,389
Oh, you got a text.
213
00:09:05,456 --> 00:09:06,559
Oh, I clicked it.
214
00:09:06,626 --> 00:09:07,561
Oh, it's Bonnie.
215
00:09:07,628 --> 00:09:09,030
She's responding to you.
216
00:09:09,097 --> 00:09:11,401
Oh, about me.
Oh, I'm reading the old texts.
217
00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:12,571
Oh, I should stop.
218
00:09:12,638 --> 00:09:13,573
Oh, but I can't.
219
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:14,709
Oh, you're unhappy.
220
00:09:14,775 --> 00:09:15,911
Oh, who's Greg?
221
00:09:15,978 --> 00:09:17,681
Oh, there's Greg.
222
00:09:17,748 --> 00:09:19,752
♪
223
00:09:20,554 --> 00:09:23,593
All right, on three, everyone
say their favorite Spider‐Man.
224
00:09:23,660 --> 00:09:25,931
All right? One, two, three.
225
00:09:25,998 --> 00:09:27,644
(saying different Spider‐Man
characters and actors)
226
00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:28,837
ALL BUT LOIS:
What?!
227
00:09:29,839 --> 00:09:32,010
(Meg, Chris, Peter,
Brian and Stewie arguing)
228
00:09:33,613 --> 00:09:36,619
In fact, there'd be no superhero
movies without Tobey Maguire.
229
00:09:36,686 --> 00:09:39,424
No way!
Garfield never got a chance.
230
00:09:39,491 --> 00:09:40,694
Is Affleck the best Batman?
231
00:09:40,761 --> 00:09:42,139
No. But he had
the best Batman body.
232
00:09:42,163 --> 00:09:44,535
He'll be the first ex‐Spider‐Man
to win an Oscar.
233
00:09:44,602 --> 00:09:47,508
Just 'cause it's in animation,
people think it's not legit.
234
00:09:47,574 --> 00:09:50,279
(indistinct arguing)
235
00:09:51,314 --> 00:09:53,052
♪
236
00:09:53,118 --> 00:09:55,691
(others continue arguing)
237
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:02,538
I don't get it!
238
00:10:02,604 --> 00:10:03,673
Wait, Spider‐Man?
239
00:10:03,740 --> 00:10:05,076
He's a guy with spider powers.
240
00:10:05,142 --> 00:10:06,779
Can't I have one thing
in my life?
241
00:10:06,846 --> 00:10:07,915
Is that too much to ask?
242
00:10:07,981 --> 00:10:09,451
What is it, do they hate me?
243
00:10:09,518 --> 00:10:11,789
Because astrologically
I'm very compatible
244
00:10:11,856 --> 00:10:13,793
with Kyle H. and Lisa.
245
00:10:13,860 --> 00:10:15,797
I'm a Gemini
and they're both Aquarius,
246
00:10:15,864 --> 00:10:17,500
so we're natural matches!
247
00:10:17,568 --> 00:10:19,505
Kyle is a Virgo,
which doesn't match with Gemini,
248
00:10:19,572 --> 00:10:21,976
but they're supposed
to at least care about people!
249
00:10:22,043 --> 00:10:23,580
What am I missing?
250
00:10:23,646 --> 00:10:25,784
You know, Mom, if you
really want to get noticed,
251
00:10:25,851 --> 00:10:27,688
you should save
one of their lives.
252
00:10:27,755 --> 00:10:29,390
- What?
- There was a kid at school
253
00:10:29,457 --> 00:10:31,929
who got a whole page
in the yearbook dedicated to him
254
00:10:31,996 --> 00:10:34,935
because he saved a kid
who had a peanut allergy.
255
00:10:35,002 --> 00:10:37,006
Peanut allergy?
256
00:10:37,073 --> 00:10:38,676
I have a peanut allergy.
257
00:10:38,743 --> 00:10:42,618
Yeah. This kid accidentally ate
something with peanuts in it
258
00:10:42,684 --> 00:10:44,354
and the other kid came over
259
00:10:44,420 --> 00:10:46,559
and Pulp Fictioned him
with an EpiPen.
260
00:10:46,626 --> 00:10:47,661
Huh...
261
00:10:47,728 --> 00:10:49,364
I can't even touch peanuts.
262
00:10:49,430 --> 00:10:51,803
That kid was a hero.
263
00:10:51,869 --> 00:10:53,338
Hero...
264
00:10:53,405 --> 00:10:54,608
You flush it!
265
00:10:54,675 --> 00:10:56,344
It scares me when it goes away.
266
00:10:57,881 --> 00:10:59,250
Yes... hero.
267
00:10:59,317 --> 00:11:00,352
I'll be a hero,
268
00:11:01,522 --> 00:11:03,001
and then they'll have
to make me Customer of the Week.
269
00:11:03,025 --> 00:11:04,571
Why is this story
all about Mom this week?
270
00:11:04,595 --> 00:11:07,734
What, are we giving
Seth's voice a rest?
271
00:11:13,045 --> 00:11:16,017
(electric guitar riff plays)
272
00:11:21,596 --> 00:11:24,969
Okay, I'll just pour
some of these Planters peanuts
273
00:11:25,035 --> 00:11:26,639
into Lisa's car.
274
00:11:26,706 --> 00:11:27,941
The official peanut
275
00:11:28,008 --> 00:11:29,612
of poisoning
people with allergies.
276
00:11:29,678 --> 00:11:31,749
What? No, she's kidding!
277
00:11:31,816 --> 00:11:33,118
Come on, look at me:
278
00:11:33,185 --> 00:11:35,657
top hat, gloves, shoes,
no other clothes.
279
00:11:35,724 --> 00:11:37,093
I'm a good guy!
280
00:11:37,159 --> 00:11:40,165
Okay, now I wait
for her to get in her car
281
00:11:40,232 --> 00:11:42,136
and start to have a reaction.
282
00:11:42,203 --> 00:11:45,009
Then I'll swoop in
and save her with this EpiPen.
283
00:11:45,075 --> 00:11:47,781
Then I'll be a lock
to be Customer of the Week.
284
00:11:47,848 --> 00:11:49,852
Stewie, you okay back there?
285
00:11:49,919 --> 00:11:52,056
Having fun playing
with Mommy's phone?
286
00:11:52,123 --> 00:11:54,093
Yup. I put
the headphones up my nose,
287
00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:55,864
but I made it work.
288
00:11:57,734 --> 00:11:59,037
Okay, there she is.
289
00:11:59,103 --> 00:12:00,974
She's walking to her car...
290
00:12:01,041 --> 00:12:02,678
she's getting out her keys...
291
00:12:02,744 --> 00:12:04,347
she's starting her car...
292
00:12:04,414 --> 00:12:05,951
driving away?
293
00:12:09,658 --> 00:12:13,065
Damn it, I didn't put
enough peanuts in there.
294
00:12:14,735 --> 00:12:16,071
Oh, shaving cream!
295
00:12:17,473 --> 00:12:20,112
Ooh, shaving cream.
296
00:12:22,851 --> 00:12:24,822
Oh...
297
00:12:24,888 --> 00:12:27,059
shaving cream.
298
00:12:31,368 --> 00:12:32,370
Oh, good.
299
00:12:33,171 --> 00:12:34,975
Oh, shaving cream.
300
00:12:41,589 --> 00:12:44,995
Mom, why are we at the hospital
to visit your barista?
301
00:12:45,062 --> 00:12:47,534
Chris, I promise
that if one of your baristas
302
00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:50,172
ever gets into an accident,
I'll go to the hospital, too.
303
00:12:50,239 --> 00:12:51,909
Okay.
That's all I wanted to hear.
304
00:12:51,976 --> 00:12:55,282
I've got a lot of baristas
who make questionable choices.
305
00:12:55,349 --> 00:12:58,355
Hi, you must be Lisa's mother.
306
00:12:58,422 --> 00:12:59,290
How's she doing?
307
00:12:59,357 --> 00:13:01,161
Did she say what happened?
308
00:13:01,227 --> 00:13:03,633
No, she's mostly just said...
309
00:13:03,699 --> 00:13:05,235
(ghastly moaning)
310
00:13:05,302 --> 00:13:07,206
Oh, that's not a good moan.
311
00:13:07,273 --> 00:13:09,945
Well, apparently,
someone put peanuts in her car
312
00:13:10,012 --> 00:13:11,682
and she's deathly allergic.
313
00:13:11,749 --> 00:13:12,851
Oh, no.
314
00:13:12,918 --> 00:13:14,454
Here are flowers.
315
00:13:14,521 --> 00:13:16,659
STEWIE:
She took those from a guardrail memorial.
316
00:13:16,725 --> 00:13:18,863
D‐Do they have any leads on
who could have done it?
317
00:13:18,930 --> 00:13:19,865
No.
318
00:13:19,932 --> 00:13:21,468
Good. Grief!
319
00:13:21,535 --> 00:13:23,773
"Good grief," is what
Charlie Brown would say here.
320
00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:25,844
Peanuts. Probably
a poor choice of reference.
321
00:13:25,910 --> 00:13:28,348
But they're going to check the
parking lot surveillance tape
322
00:13:28,415 --> 00:13:29,283
to see who did.
323
00:13:29,350 --> 00:13:31,856
Surveillance tape? Good grief!
324
00:13:31,922 --> 00:13:33,225
Uh, who are you again?
325
00:13:33,291 --> 00:13:35,864
I'm a... a very good customer.
326
00:13:35,930 --> 00:13:37,399
Oh, my God, I've got to go.
327
00:13:37,466 --> 00:13:39,470
Exit stage left!
328
00:13:41,642 --> 00:13:45,349
That was a very sad door
to run in to.
329
00:13:56,137 --> 00:13:58,375
What the hell? Lois?
330
00:14:01,014 --> 00:14:03,051
LOIS:
Put the phone down, Kyle H.
331
00:14:04,988 --> 00:14:06,267
...so then
I start hearing people say
332
00:14:06,291 --> 00:14:07,727
there are different levels
333
00:14:07,794 --> 00:14:09,554
of peanut allergies
and I was like, "Levels?"
334
00:14:09,598 --> 00:14:12,169
I mean, when I hear allergy,
I think rash,
335
00:14:12,236 --> 00:14:14,273
not throat‐close‐car‐crash.
336
00:14:14,340 --> 00:14:17,313
Okay, well, I‐I'm so glad
that we could talk about this
337
00:14:17,379 --> 00:14:20,052
and that you understand
how we got to where we are.
338
00:14:20,118 --> 00:14:21,755
So, are you gonna let me go?
339
00:14:21,822 --> 00:14:22,824
Yes.
340
00:14:23,859 --> 00:14:24,971
I mean, once I figure out
this whole kerfuffle.
341
00:14:24,995 --> 00:14:26,030
Oh.
342
00:14:26,097 --> 00:14:28,235
Why, are you scared, Kyle H.?
343
00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:30,974
This isn't scary.
344
00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:32,544
I'm a good person.
345
00:14:32,611 --> 00:14:35,082
Now, there are two ways
we can go from here:
346
00:14:35,148 --> 00:14:37,052
you can give me
your absolute trust,
347
00:14:37,119 --> 00:14:39,925
or I can get you hooked
on heroin.
348
00:14:39,992 --> 00:14:41,294
Heroin's not bad.
349
00:14:41,361 --> 00:14:44,267
Not having heroin,
that's what's bad.
350
00:14:44,333 --> 00:14:46,972
Y‐You can trust me. It's just...
351
00:14:47,039 --> 00:14:48,041
Just what?
352
00:14:48,108 --> 00:14:49,243
I have a cat.
353
00:14:49,310 --> 00:14:50,980
Someone needs to feed him.
354
00:14:51,047 --> 00:14:53,653
(long inhale)
355
00:14:53,719 --> 00:14:57,126
Now, a bad person
would say "who cares" here.
356
00:14:57,192 --> 00:14:59,865
But since I am a good person,
357
00:14:59,931 --> 00:15:01,735
I will take care of your cat.
358
00:15:01,802 --> 00:15:03,338
Now, open your mouth,
I'm gonna stuff
359
00:15:03,405 --> 00:15:05,242
my son's baseball sock in it.
360
00:15:16,064 --> 00:15:18,134
What the hell? Who are you?
361
00:15:18,201 --> 00:15:19,370
Oh, hello.
362
00:15:19,437 --> 00:15:23,178
Um, hi,
I'm Kyle H.'s cat‐sitter.
363
00:15:23,244 --> 00:15:25,382
He didn't tell me
he had roommates
364
00:15:25,449 --> 00:15:27,587
who could feed his cat for him.
365
00:15:27,654 --> 00:15:30,292
Wait, why do you have
his laser pointer
366
00:15:30,359 --> 00:15:31,995
and Heisenberg keychain?
367
00:15:32,062 --> 00:15:34,901
Yeah, his keychain flair is how
he expresses his quirkiness.
368
00:15:34,968 --> 00:15:36,437
He must be in danger!
369
00:15:41,381 --> 00:15:43,318
You can't leave us
like this, lady.
370
00:15:43,385 --> 00:15:44,387
Don't say "lady."
371
00:15:44,453 --> 00:15:45,923
It makes me feel old.
372
00:15:45,990 --> 00:15:48,094
And why is everyone acting
like this is my fault?
373
00:15:48,161 --> 00:15:50,365
If anything,
it's Kyle H.'s fault.
374
00:15:50,432 --> 00:15:52,202
I'm a good person.
375
00:15:52,269 --> 00:15:53,739
People are gonna know
we're gone.
376
00:15:53,806 --> 00:15:55,175
I promised my boyfriend
that I'd...
377
00:15:55,242 --> 00:15:56,645
- Wait, you're gay?
- Yeah.
378
00:15:56,712 --> 00:15:57,712
You sound surprised.
379
00:15:58,682 --> 00:15:59,827
I don't know,
you just don't present as gay.
380
00:15:59,851 --> 00:16:01,053
Oh, so gays "present"?
381
00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:02,322
No, no, no, that's not‐‐
382
00:16:02,389 --> 00:16:04,393
What? I'm woke, okay?
383
00:16:04,460 --> 00:16:05,596
Is he your boyfriend?
384
00:16:05,663 --> 00:16:06,832
No, I'm not gay.
385
00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:08,602
What? But you're roommates.
386
00:16:08,669 --> 00:16:10,272
- So?
- So?!
387
00:16:10,338 --> 00:16:11,474
And that's not weird?
388
00:16:12,409 --> 00:16:13,688
I mean, do you have
your own bathrooms?
389
00:16:13,712 --> 00:16:15,449
- No.
- What, so you just walk around
390
00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:17,328
- like there's nothing
potentially sexual? - Yeah.
391
00:16:17,352 --> 00:16:19,423
Yeah. I mean,
ever since he joined the gym,
392
00:16:19,490 --> 00:16:21,093
he's really turned
his body around.
393
00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:22,720
But that's not what
I'd be attracted to.
394
00:16:22,764 --> 00:16:25,135
It's more sticking to
his commitment to get healthy.
395
00:16:25,202 --> 00:16:27,306
- That's attractive.
- Aw, thank you, bro.
396
00:16:27,372 --> 00:16:28,542
Mm, you're welcome, bro.
397
00:16:28,609 --> 00:16:29,845
See, this!
398
00:16:29,911 --> 00:16:32,216
I don't know.
I‐I guess I'm not woke, okay?
399
00:16:32,282 --> 00:16:34,253
Fine, you win
with your gay stuff.
400
00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:35,990
That's what you want,
right? To win?
401
00:16:36,057 --> 00:16:39,396
Here, drink whatever you
think a day's worth of water is.
402
00:16:39,463 --> 00:16:41,067
Look, what I was trying
to say is that
403
00:16:41,133 --> 00:16:43,739
you can't leave us like this
because I promised my boyfriend
404
00:16:43,806 --> 00:16:45,926
that I'd make a meal for
his grandmother's meal train.
405
00:16:45,977 --> 00:16:48,916
If I don't drop it off, they're
gonna know something's wrong.
406
00:16:48,983 --> 00:16:51,922
(long inhale)
407
00:16:51,989 --> 00:16:53,224
(exhales)
408
00:16:53,291 --> 00:16:54,794
What are you supposed to make?
409
00:16:54,861 --> 00:16:57,366
- Beef Wellington.
- What‐‐ Beef Wellington?!
410
00:16:57,432 --> 00:16:58,969
- For tonight?
- Yeah, why?
411
00:16:59,036 --> 00:17:00,338
- Is that hard?
- Yes!
412
00:17:00,405 --> 00:17:04,113
If you're starting
at 2:00 p. m., very! Yes!
413
00:17:09,223 --> 00:17:10,960
Lois, have you seen
the pooping iPad?
414
00:17:11,027 --> 00:17:13,264
I can only go
while watching Tiger King.
415
00:17:13,331 --> 00:17:14,901
- Huh?
- The iPad we use only
416
00:17:14,968 --> 00:17:17,674
while pooping and occasionally
on flights for Stewie.
417
00:17:17,740 --> 00:17:20,478
Ew, I play Elmo's ABCs on that.
418
00:17:20,546 --> 00:17:23,151
Is that why
I keep getting pink eye?
419
00:17:23,986 --> 00:17:25,188
I don't know where it is.
420
00:17:25,255 --> 00:17:26,601
But it's definitely not
in the shed.
421
00:17:26,625 --> 00:17:28,170
So don't even look
back there in the shed.
422
00:17:28,194 --> 00:17:30,165
What, you mean
the earwig fortress? No thanks.
423
00:17:30,231 --> 00:17:31,602
I haven't been in there
424
00:17:31,668 --> 00:17:33,047
since I won the Battle
of the Wheelbarrow.
425
00:17:33,071 --> 00:17:34,406
Nyah‐ha!
426
00:17:34,473 --> 00:17:37,379
Too fast and too smart
for you, earwigs.
427
00:17:38,782 --> 00:17:41,320
Now, to continue
clearing the yard...
428
00:17:41,387 --> 00:17:45,328
(monotone):
...collecting moisture and sleeping in wood.
429
00:17:45,395 --> 00:17:46,965
Hey, Lois, what ever happened to
430
00:17:47,032 --> 00:17:48,878
- that Customer of the Week
thing? - Th‐the what?
431
00:17:48,902 --> 00:17:50,482
The Customer of the Week
at the coffee shop.
432
00:17:50,506 --> 00:17:51,708
Did you ever win?
433
00:17:51,775 --> 00:17:53,177
Why? Why would you
bring that up?
434
00:17:53,244 --> 00:17:54,547
What are you, obsessed with it?
435
00:17:54,614 --> 00:17:56,350
Uh, you‐‐
you had been talking about it...
436
00:17:56,417 --> 00:17:58,054
Oh, so you can hear me
when I say that,
437
00:17:58,121 --> 00:18:00,058
but can't hear me
when I say "get off the couch."
438
00:18:00,125 --> 00:18:01,561
I like to be up by people.
439
00:18:01,628 --> 00:18:03,766
May I be excused to...
440
00:18:03,832 --> 00:18:07,507
(monotone):
bring this plate of moisture to the crawl space?
441
00:18:09,410 --> 00:18:11,080
Yeah, for the record,
442
00:18:11,147 --> 00:18:12,291
I would rather
drink a sinus infection
443
00:18:12,315 --> 00:18:13,418
than win that stupid award.
444
00:18:13,484 --> 00:18:14,888
It's all rigged anyway.
445
00:18:16,157 --> 00:18:17,970
Did you know that Lester lived
in the same building as Lisa?
446
00:18:17,994 --> 00:18:19,564
How is that fair, huh?
447
00:18:19,631 --> 00:18:22,302
God, what a boring thing
to bring up at dinner, Brian.
448
00:18:22,369 --> 00:18:24,039
I'm going to the sunroom,
449
00:18:24,106 --> 00:18:26,978
and that's where I'll be from
9:00 to 11:00 if anyone asks.
450
00:18:27,045 --> 00:18:28,716
No one come check on me.
451
00:18:29,884 --> 00:18:32,422
You guys want to play spin
the bottle for finger stuff?
452
00:18:32,489 --> 00:18:34,226
Crank this night up a notch?
453
00:18:34,293 --> 00:18:36,297
I'm in.
454
00:18:38,401 --> 00:18:39,771
Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker.
455
00:18:39,838 --> 00:18:41,942
In local news,
two roommates were found
456
00:18:42,008 --> 00:18:43,888
bound and gagged in
their apartment this morning
457
00:18:43,912 --> 00:18:46,852
in what they're calling,
"The Cat‐Sitter Tie‐er Upper."
458
00:18:46,918 --> 00:18:49,624
Guys, we need to get better
name‐comer‐upper‐withers.
459
00:18:49,691 --> 00:18:52,329
♪
460
00:18:54,166 --> 00:18:56,638
(sirens wail faintly)
461
00:18:56,705 --> 00:18:58,776
♪
462
00:19:13,739 --> 00:19:15,308
Okay.
463
00:19:19,149 --> 00:19:20,653
(indistinct radio chatter)
464
00:19:20,719 --> 00:19:21,822
Lois?
465
00:19:21,888 --> 00:19:24,326
I'm just finishing the dishes.
466
00:19:24,393 --> 00:19:26,430
I'm a good person, Joe.
467
00:19:26,497 --> 00:19:29,102
Sometimes good people
do bad things, Lois.
468
00:19:29,169 --> 00:19:30,606
You can finish the dishes.
469
00:19:30,673 --> 00:19:32,375
Then I gotta take you in.
470
00:19:32,442 --> 00:19:34,346
You can't take her away, Joe!
471
00:19:34,413 --> 00:19:35,850
(whispering)
472
00:19:35,916 --> 00:19:37,587
And you can put in
one load of laundry.
473
00:19:37,653 --> 00:19:39,289
Then I gotta take you in.
474
00:19:39,356 --> 00:19:40,826
(whispering)
475
00:19:40,893 --> 00:19:43,130
After that, you can write
down the Wi‐Fi log‐in.
476
00:19:43,197 --> 00:19:45,168
Then I gotta take you in.
477
00:19:45,235 --> 00:19:46,403
(whispering)
478
00:19:46,470 --> 00:19:48,140
Where's the peanut butter?
479
00:19:48,207 --> 00:19:49,577
(whispering)
480
00:19:49,644 --> 00:19:51,189
Well, Peter, I think
the main difference is
481
00:19:51,213 --> 00:19:52,650
Chinese people are from China
482
00:19:52,717 --> 00:19:54,854
and Japanese people
are from Japan.
483
00:19:54,921 --> 00:19:56,023
(whispering)
484
00:19:57,292 --> 00:19:59,692
Yes, that's probably why you
were banned from the restaurant.
485
00:20:05,475 --> 00:20:08,381
♪
486
00:20:08,447 --> 00:20:10,653
♪
487
00:20:28,655 --> 00:20:30,592
Good morning.
488
00:20:30,659 --> 00:20:32,930
Ah, what a charming place
this is.
489
00:20:32,997 --> 00:20:35,468
Oh, look, you do
a Customer of the Week.
490
00:20:35,536 --> 00:20:36,738
How cute.
491
00:20:36,805 --> 00:20:40,244
Now, I'll take
a Nitro Cold Brew.
492
00:20:40,311 --> 00:20:43,150
And with the morning I've had,
better make it a large.
493
00:20:43,217 --> 00:20:44,587
Hey, that's funny.
494
00:20:44,654 --> 00:20:46,490
Yeah, I know.
495
00:20:46,558 --> 00:20:48,494
There you go.
496
00:20:49,396 --> 00:20:52,002
And there you go.
497
00:20:52,068 --> 00:20:54,640
Well, you could have said
thank you.
498
00:20:54,707 --> 00:20:57,312
Don't see a lot of
five dollar bills in there.
499
00:20:57,379 --> 00:21:00,919
I must be a pretty good person
to give a five.
500
00:21:00,969 --> 00:21:05,519
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